Name and number?
Me: Patrick Patterson-Carroll. And man, I will not have sex with you.
That makes me kind of sad. You work?
Me: In so many words, yes. I have a job.
And what do they make you do?
Me: I have an official title. Theater Technician. It means that when my boss is too busy, I run the theater. Sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's just babysitting. I get plenty of time to write. Just not a whole lot of money to piss away on drink and dame.
I just yawned.
Me: Big enough so my dick got's ta fit!
¡Ay papi chulo! Why do you write?
Me: Because I ain't so pretty.
For the record, I find you pretty fuckable.
Me: Thanks, man.
Read any good books lately?
Me: "Nights of Paris" by Restif de la Bretonne. I read half of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and that is one of my favorites.
You must be one of those who finds Wilde quite witty.
Me: Sure.
Why?
Me: I don't know. I read his shit, and it's like, it seems very tame by today's standards, but he was really going against the grain in a lot of subtle ways. I mean, he wasn't freaky like de Sade, but his wit contrasts greatly with the prevailing attitudes.
I disagree.
Me: Of course.
You must be shocked, being that you're the contrarian. But I think Wilde was a self-loathing homosexual who hated women, and used his wit as a way to mask those latent sensibilities. Well, he couldn't hide his hatred of women.
Me: I disagree with some of that.
Fuck you. Still into Asia Argento?
Me: Of course. She's perfect in every way. Ever seen "Scarlet Diva"? Which reminds me, when I take my laptop back to Conn's for a repair, I need to remove the nude photo of her from the log-in screen.
LOL. Worst sexual experience?
Me: I'm going to say the worst was an experience that didn't lead to actual penetration. In fact, it didn't lead to anything other than making out in an SUV.
So Strange and I went out to Cedar Springs to hit some clubs, get drunk, and maybe meet some girls. We were winding down the night and met a couple of girls outside. I got the "pretty one," though being drunk, who fuckin' knows? So this girl and I, we were trading affections. Kissing. Licking each other's ears and shit. So anyway, we get into the backseat of her SUV, and Strange is caressing the "ugly one" or something. I don't know. To be honest, I didn't want to look at it.
The girl tells me that messing with her nipples is pointless because they aren't sensitive. In fact, she was kind of bossy for a desperate woman. I wasn't kissing hard enough. I wasn't being "aggressive enough" for her liking.
Long story short, we end up at this Chinese Restaurant on Lower Greenville. Strange starts talking politicks, and it spirals into some brainless bullshit about how she (the girl I was making out with) thinks GW is awesome and that the war is righteous and that we're a bunch of liberal pussies, etc. My penis got pretty soft at that point.
You don't think Republican girls are hot in the sack?
Me: I don't know if I've ever been involved with one. But I don't care about a woman's political affiliation. As long as I don't have to hear about how horrible I am for being who I am.
You're a despicable human being.
Me: Now who's editorializing?
I think conservative chicks fuck the best.
Me: No one asked you.
Favorite movie?
Me: "How Tasty Was My Little Frenchman"
Now you're just being purposefully obscure.
Me: I had a French roommate. He was very amused by my smoking habits and my sexual proclivities. He'd ask me about "ze black girlz" and if I "liked zem" "to... fuck zem." My answer, of course, was "I've never been there, but I'd like to go there." And I did eventually. I guess the cool thing about him was that we "got" each other. He thought my description of "the ripple" was beyond amusing.
"The Ripple"??
Me: It's not important.
I don't believe you can speak Portuguese.
Me: I can't. I can read it and kind of write it. I just started, man.
Why Portuguese?
Me: Because Spanish is only impressive to people because I'm a gabacho. And besides, girls just laugh when I use the clicking consonants thing. You'd think they'd be like, "Whoa, hey! That's neato! Khoisan languages!" But no. It's just a laugh followed by, "Got something stuck to the roof of your mouth?"
You cunning linguist, you.
Me: Now I remember why I always wanted to choke you.
Hell is other people.
Me: Indeed.
Top five records?
Me: We Are the Romans-- Botch, The Tyranny of Distance-- Ted Leo + Pharmacists, Kamaal the Abstract-- Q-Tip, Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star, Calculating Infinity-- The Dillinger Escape Plan
Who's the better writer, me or you?
Me: A better question is whose sister is more attractive. Hint: I don't have a sister.
I notice this blog doesn't get a lot of comments, and one person said you were a pussy drinker.
Me: I notice you make a lot of dumb ass observations.
I hope Adam Strange is cooler than you.
Me: He is. And is more punk.
So what's England like?
Me: Cold. Stark. All the pretty girls are foreign.
Man, you really got comment checked by a girl? About booze? I thought you were the big drinker?
Me: I kind of liked that. There's something about a woman who calls you out, but doesn't make you look stupid. Besides, you don't even like Everclear in your Four Horsemen.
I don't boast, either. Okay, words to live by?
Me: Double. Down.
This has been an illuminating conversation.
Me: Fucking liar.
Patrick is a 25 year old writer who is working on a "novel." He edits this blog and laughs at his own genius. Women want him, men want to be him. At least that's the fantasy world he resides in when not existing within the boundaries of reality.
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