Movie Review: "Metropolitan"

"Metropolitan" (1990)

Written and Directed by Whit Stillman

Starring: Edward Clements, Chris Eigeman, Carolyn Farina, Taylor Nichols

Whit Stillman is relatively unknown to most who lack "indie" sensibilities when it comes to cinema. Often he is mentioned by "buffs" in the same breath as Noah Baumbach and Wes Anderson. Until recently, I'd never seen "Metropolitan" or the subsequent movies in Stillman's "series": "Barcelona", and "The Last Days of Disco."

After viewing "Metropolitan" it is doubtful I'll be watching any other projects with his name attached to them. Because while the cinematography was modest (something I generally like)-- minimalist in style, with only cuts and fades to black with occasional title cards (that added nothing to the story)-- the meat of the movie, the stuff that matters: acting, story, characters, etc. failed to move me at all.

The story, which was really nothing more than a bunch of privileged fuckheads attending fancy "tie" parties and talking a load of "bollocks," only served one purpose, and that was giving such thinly attributed characters a reason to exist. The performances, save Eigeman's (who is good, though awfully typecast as the witty cynic in almost everything he does) are awful.

For example:

One character rambles endlessly about how their clique should relabel themselves as UHB (urban haute bourgeoisie) as opposed to "preppy," which I suppose is an underserved social "epithet."

Yeah, "Fuck me" is what I said, too.

Another is a "middle class" Princeton alum who tries to fit in even though apparently he's poor. Makes no fuckin' sense but whatever. Apparently his parents are split and he lives with his mother in a large apartment on the west side. He's a socialist and surprisingly isn't taken to task for it. Questions early on, but after that, it's all about some girl he's obsessed with.

Eigeman's character is an "aristocrat" who hates aristocrats with titles and fucks women he loathes.

The female characters are even thinner than the males and exist primarily as ciphers for the latter. Por ejemplo: Eigeman's character is calling one of the girls (and I don't even remember her name because she was such a non-factor) a slut, and she just playfully slaps him (bad acting). Of course, the exposition to that is that they'd been fucking. Ugh.

I really wouldn't have given a shit if some crazy fucker walked into a scene and just mowed down the whole cast with an AK. Fucking useless wastes of cum. That would've made this shitfest watchable.

And that's the thing. It was fucking boring. It even took me two hours to watch the fucker because I stopped it to go and buy cigs. A testament to my never wanting to give up on movies. Comedy? Stillman, surely you jest.