In a dark and mostly empty comedy dive a visibly shaking and obviously drunk little mexican in 1970 punk garb takes the mike. After a good minute of awkward silence he whispers....You know the worst part about being Mexican? All the damn cousins. I've got cousins I've never even met. I actually lost my virginity to a cousin. Don't worry it wasn't inscest, I was wearing condom.
But there are good things. You know I'm catholic, obviously, I'm a drunken masochist. But hey, at least we only have to deal with a 45 minute mass. Well that and the ass rapings, but that's only till 12 then the priest finds a younger boy. Hey beats being Baptist.
Jeez this is getting awkward, let's talk about abortions. I've just realized I'm not pro-life or pro-choice, I'm pro-take-your-pregnant-girlfriend-to-Six-Flags. Think about it. Abortion clinics are so sterile and discomforting. It's like going to get a root canal. Who wants that? Now what's more comforting than a theme park? "Here you go sweetie why don't you have a turkey leg and a beer while we wait in line." What! She gonna give it up any way! Then after 30 to 45 minutes, WHHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Ya, my ex hated that joke. She just called me the other day. She wanted to know what I was getting her for her birthday. Bitch we broke up a month ago. Here's a balloon and a dildo, go fuck yourself.
I don't have a girlfriend right now. I have a cat. I know. I know. This is where I put the pussy joke. Well the joke's on you it's not a pussy joke. It's a cancer joke.
So my stepdad just got cancer. Prostate. Don't worry, he was an asshole so it makes sense. He use to beat the shit out of me, now he shits in a bag. In unrelated news I am no longer an atheist. I use to worry about him beating my nieces and nephews since my sister lets him baby sit all the time, but not any more. Even if he does it, he'll half ass it.
Well my time is up thanks for your time and please don't follow me.
The strange little man flashes a gun and walks backward off the stage.
*cough*
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