Hi, Stu here.
Look, I would say that no one likes to be the one person in the room who gleefully sprays diarrhea all over everyone's parade of lists, but if I did say that, I'd be lying. I love it. If anyone believed that I would pass this opportunity on to Patrick so he could write about how much he dislikes the 'cult of Tao Lin', then you are a bigger glutton for punishment than even myself. Congratulations.
Now, as much as I would love to write about my favorite 00's sitcoms, the holidays always put me in a bad mood. Of course, I'd be in a much better mood if my favorite hooker hadn't become a born-again Christian.
5 worst sitcoms of the 00's:
5. Glee -- not technically a sitcom, but it's on the list because fuck everyone.
4. American Dad -- it's a cartoon, but it sucks. best way to get rid of a talking goldfish? fucking starve it.
3. Scrubs -- i think zach braff is talentless. someone somewhere compared him to john ritter, which i think should be punishable by being made to be the only sober person in a room full of drunken assholes.
2. Everybody Hates Chris -- i don't think chris rock has been funny since his SNL days. in fact, he's obnoxious. best way to get rid of chris rock? stop encouraging him.
1. According to Jim -- this is here only because king of queens began in '98.
5 worst news personalities (decade/contemporary):
5. Tim Ryan (kdfw fox4 news anchor): old, fat, white, whiny motherfucker who has more cash than brain cells. considers himself a curmudgeon, but just how thin is the line between curmudgeon and privileged dumb shit who basically reads teleprompters all day?
4. Keith Olbermann (nbc cable liberal version of Bill O'Reilly): smug, loud, and obnoxious. it's not that i hate him, i just don't particularly like him.
3. All those ultra conservative chicks on FOXNEWS: ugly, dumb, obnoxious, interchangeable vessels of neocon lust, these bitches know less about politics than i do about being a twelve-year-old thai transvestite prostitute.
2. Bill O'Reilly: this man needs no introduction. http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/653/a-bold-fresh-piece-of-humanity/ took the words right out of my mouth.
1. Glenn Beck (foxnews?): this man is a fucking titty baby. it's amazing: if a liberal cries or shows emotion, he/she is either crazy, a whiner, or worse, but a conservative does it, and it's passion? it's okay? no, it's not. a titty baby is a titty baby, and this guy is crazy to boot. i see him, and i'm thinking: this guy screams homosexual. but not the kind that buys you drinks in a bar because he wants to get to know you, no... one that bottles up his sexuality and hides in a closet, bashing the ones who accept who they are no matter the cost.
5 worst movies of the decade:
5. (500) days of summer -- i hate musicals. next.
4. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind -- i guess kaufman thought it'd be more clever to have this whole mind erasing shit... instead of having his characters respond normally; you know, like... going out and getting blitzed, fucking everything in sight. perhaps it is, but it's not as fun. fuck this movie.
3. jesus camp -- think of the children, my ass.
2. oh brother, where art thou? -- it's not the big lebowski, therefore it blows.
1. the 40 year old virgin -- not nearly as interesting as 'the 18 year old nympho.'
5 worst drunken benders:
5. in 2004 i woke up in bed with a girl that i thought my friend was hooking up with. she wasn't ugly, but she insisted on making me breakfast in bed. burnt pancakes and a small cartoon of oj. i left shortly after.
4. in 2006 i woke up with my jeans on. the pockets were bursting with lottery tickets. i'd bought $90 worth of tickets. i didn't win. lesson learned. er... not.
3. in 2003 i woke up pantless in a field. i freaked the fuck out. i was still a bit gone from the tequila. i realized i was in the field right next to my apartment complex when my neighbor began yelling at me. 'hey stu! stu! what in the hell is you doin'? naked ass muthafucka!'
2. in 2007 i brought a bottle of brandy to a college party. everyone was drinking beer and hitting the garbage pail punch. i started challenging the douchier looking guys to shot-for-shot contests. the general response was, 'hell yeah, brah! whatcha got there?' things commenced only after i was teased mercilessly for being snooty. for brandy! hennessy is brandy! never mind the fact that it was 7$ brandy. i woke up hours later naked on the floor under the beer pong table with three only moderately attractive coeds. i'd fucked them all. without protection. i made several trips to the local clinic. am std free.
1. in 2009 i woke up in a drunk tank after doing a series of dumpster readings. i was apparently so wasted when the cops found me that i was pissing on my own shoes and singing 'de colores.'
actually that was pretty cool.
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