Pet Sounds and Pretensions to the Poetic

“Pet Sounds (a drunken tribute to The Beach Boys)”

By Patrick Patterson-Carroll

Wouldn't it be nice?


My bottle of scotch and i have decided that we love mayakovsky, who is, by far, the greatest Soviet poet. Now, some of you philistines might point out that it all starts with yesenin, and well, you'd be right, but... the bottle and i have made our decision. We are wholly incorruptible.

if we were older...


My bottle of scotch and i think it might be best if you leave. You are not old enough for this ride.

then we wouldn't have to wait so long...

My bottle of scotch and i are happy with our decisions in life. Sometimes we lay out in the night air, our lips locked, and the drunker i get, the more i think, "well shit, i could die right now and be perfectly okay with it."

and wouldn't it be nice to live together...

My bottle of scotch and i see eye to eye on many things. We are both vehemently against the criminalization of drunk drivers and feel that if one is too drunk to stumble home, then one has no other option than to drive. Perhaps the bottle and i are more corruptible than we once thought. But no one's perfect.

in the kinda world where we belong?

My bottle of scotch and i always get excited when a new woman enters our life. It's amazing how, the closer we are to one another, the prettier these girls get.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up in the mornin' when the day is new?

My bottle of scotch and i love the beach boys. We think they're almost as amazing as the village people. They're like, the heterosexual precursors to those freaks. When the bottle and i say freaks, we mean it in the nicest way possible. But yeah, those beach boys. Holy shit are they good. pet sounds is the greatest album ever right after william shatner's masterpieces.

hold each other close the whole night thru?

My bottle of scotch and i are always questioning our heterosexuality. We do sleep together, after all.

boop boop wooo oooooh... baby...

My bottle of scotch and i are finished. Sittin' in my car outside your heart...

(2007 or 2008)