1. Woody Harrelson is a bad ass.
2. Bill Murray.
3. Twinkies.
...
Showing posts with label Movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movies. Show all posts
7.2.10
Zombiefilm.
1. Woody Harrelson is a bad ass.
2. Bill Murray.
3. Twinkies.
...
10.1.10
“I’m very depressed that Fruit of the Loom has pulled the Charlie Sheen ads"
“I’m very depressed that Fruit of the Loom has
pulled the Charlie Sheen ads”
carlos irwin estévez
was in
red dawn
platoon
wall street
men at work (written, directed by, and starring his hermano, emilio estévez)
hot shots one and deux
major league one and two
the chase
the arrival
money talks
he’s the star of two and a half men
playing the fictional champion of an ideal
espoused by womanizers the world over
drinking
lazing
fucking
forgetting
and now
his greatest role
teaming up with mj (the living one)
in fotl ads
will never be seen by human eyes
again
because the measure of american self righteousness can not be quantified ($$)
i just hope you motherfuckers are happy.
(2010)
pulled the Charlie Sheen ads”
carlos irwin estévez
was in
red dawn
platoon
wall street
men at work (written, directed by, and starring his hermano, emilio estévez)
hot shots one and deux
major league one and two
the chase
the arrival
money talks
he’s the star of two and a half men
playing the fictional champion of an ideal
espoused by womanizers the world over
drinking
lazing
fucking
forgetting
and now
his greatest role
teaming up with mj (the living one)
in fotl ads
will never be seen by human eyes
again
because the measure of american self righteousness can not be quantified ($$)
i just hope you motherfuckers are happy.
(2010)
24.12.09
A Decade of Shit: Worsts
Hi, Stu here.
Look, I would say that no one likes to be the one person in the room who gleefully sprays diarrhea all over everyone's parade of lists, but if I did say that, I'd be lying. I love it. If anyone believed that I would pass this opportunity on to Patrick so he could write about how much he dislikes the 'cult of Tao Lin', then you are a bigger glutton for punishment than even myself. Congratulations.
Now, as much as I would love to write about my favorite 00's sitcoms, the holidays always put me in a bad mood. Of course, I'd be in a much better mood if my favorite hooker hadn't become a born-again Christian.
5 worst sitcoms of the 00's:
5. Glee -- not technically a sitcom, but it's on the list because fuck everyone.
4. American Dad -- it's a cartoon, but it sucks. best way to get rid of a talking goldfish? fucking starve it.
3. Scrubs -- i think zach braff is talentless. someone somewhere compared him to john ritter, which i think should be punishable by being made to be the only sober person in a room full of drunken assholes.
2. Everybody Hates Chris -- i don't think chris rock has been funny since his SNL days. in fact, he's obnoxious. best way to get rid of chris rock? stop encouraging him.
1. According to Jim -- this is here only because king of queens began in '98.
5 worst news personalities (decade/contemporary):
5. Tim Ryan (kdfw fox4 news anchor): old, fat, white, whiny motherfucker who has more cash than brain cells. considers himself a curmudgeon, but just how thin is the line between curmudgeon and privileged dumb shit who basically reads teleprompters all day?
4. Keith Olbermann (nbc cable liberal version of Bill O'Reilly): smug, loud, and obnoxious. it's not that i hate him, i just don't particularly like him.
3. All those ultra conservative chicks on FOXNEWS: ugly, dumb, obnoxious, interchangeable vessels of neocon lust, these bitches know less about politics than i do about being a twelve-year-old thai transvestite prostitute.
2. Bill O'Reilly: this man needs no introduction. http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/653/a-bold-fresh-piece-of-humanity/ took the words right out of my mouth.
1. Glenn Beck (foxnews?): this man is a fucking titty baby. it's amazing: if a liberal cries or shows emotion, he/she is either crazy, a whiner, or worse, but a conservative does it, and it's passion? it's okay? no, it's not. a titty baby is a titty baby, and this guy is crazy to boot. i see him, and i'm thinking: this guy screams homosexual. but not the kind that buys you drinks in a bar because he wants to get to know you, no... one that bottles up his sexuality and hides in a closet, bashing the ones who accept who they are no matter the cost.
5 worst movies of the decade:
5. (500) days of summer -- i hate musicals. next.
4. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind -- i guess kaufman thought it'd be more clever to have this whole mind erasing shit... instead of having his characters respond normally; you know, like... going out and getting blitzed, fucking everything in sight. perhaps it is, but it's not as fun. fuck this movie.
3. jesus camp -- think of the children, my ass.
2. oh brother, where art thou? -- it's not the big lebowski, therefore it blows.
1. the 40 year old virgin -- not nearly as interesting as 'the 18 year old nympho.'
5 worst drunken benders:
5. in 2004 i woke up in bed with a girl that i thought my friend was hooking up with. she wasn't ugly, but she insisted on making me breakfast in bed. burnt pancakes and a small cartoon of oj. i left shortly after.
4. in 2006 i woke up with my jeans on. the pockets were bursting with lottery tickets. i'd bought $90 worth of tickets. i didn't win. lesson learned. er... not.
3. in 2003 i woke up pantless in a field. i freaked the fuck out. i was still a bit gone from the tequila. i realized i was in the field right next to my apartment complex when my neighbor began yelling at me. 'hey stu! stu! what in the hell is you doin'? naked ass muthafucka!'
2. in 2007 i brought a bottle of brandy to a college party. everyone was drinking beer and hitting the garbage pail punch. i started challenging the douchier looking guys to shot-for-shot contests. the general response was, 'hell yeah, brah! whatcha got there?' things commenced only after i was teased mercilessly for being snooty. for brandy! hennessy is brandy! never mind the fact that it was 7$ brandy. i woke up hours later naked on the floor under the beer pong table with three only moderately attractive coeds. i'd fucked them all. without protection. i made several trips to the local clinic. am std free.
1. in 2009 i woke up in a drunk tank after doing a series of dumpster readings. i was apparently so wasted when the cops found me that i was pissing on my own shoes and singing 'de colores.'
actually that was pretty cool.
Look, I would say that no one likes to be the one person in the room who gleefully sprays diarrhea all over everyone's parade of lists, but if I did say that, I'd be lying. I love it. If anyone believed that I would pass this opportunity on to Patrick so he could write about how much he dislikes the 'cult of Tao Lin', then you are a bigger glutton for punishment than even myself. Congratulations.
Now, as much as I would love to write about my favorite 00's sitcoms, the holidays always put me in a bad mood. Of course, I'd be in a much better mood if my favorite hooker hadn't become a born-again Christian.
5 worst sitcoms of the 00's:
5. Glee -- not technically a sitcom, but it's on the list because fuck everyone.
4. American Dad -- it's a cartoon, but it sucks. best way to get rid of a talking goldfish? fucking starve it.
3. Scrubs -- i think zach braff is talentless. someone somewhere compared him to john ritter, which i think should be punishable by being made to be the only sober person in a room full of drunken assholes.
2. Everybody Hates Chris -- i don't think chris rock has been funny since his SNL days. in fact, he's obnoxious. best way to get rid of chris rock? stop encouraging him.
1. According to Jim -- this is here only because king of queens began in '98.
5 worst news personalities (decade/contemporary):
5. Tim Ryan (kdfw fox4 news anchor): old, fat, white, whiny motherfucker who has more cash than brain cells. considers himself a curmudgeon, but just how thin is the line between curmudgeon and privileged dumb shit who basically reads teleprompters all day?
4. Keith Olbermann (nbc cable liberal version of Bill O'Reilly): smug, loud, and obnoxious. it's not that i hate him, i just don't particularly like him.
3. All those ultra conservative chicks on FOXNEWS: ugly, dumb, obnoxious, interchangeable vessels of neocon lust, these bitches know less about politics than i do about being a twelve-year-old thai transvestite prostitute.
2. Bill O'Reilly: this man needs no introduction. http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/653/a-bold-fresh-piece-of-humanity/ took the words right out of my mouth.
1. Glenn Beck (foxnews?): this man is a fucking titty baby. it's amazing: if a liberal cries or shows emotion, he/she is either crazy, a whiner, or worse, but a conservative does it, and it's passion? it's okay? no, it's not. a titty baby is a titty baby, and this guy is crazy to boot. i see him, and i'm thinking: this guy screams homosexual. but not the kind that buys you drinks in a bar because he wants to get to know you, no... one that bottles up his sexuality and hides in a closet, bashing the ones who accept who they are no matter the cost.
5 worst movies of the decade:
5. (500) days of summer -- i hate musicals. next.
4. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind -- i guess kaufman thought it'd be more clever to have this whole mind erasing shit... instead of having his characters respond normally; you know, like... going out and getting blitzed, fucking everything in sight. perhaps it is, but it's not as fun. fuck this movie.
3. jesus camp -- think of the children, my ass.
2. oh brother, where art thou? -- it's not the big lebowski, therefore it blows.
1. the 40 year old virgin -- not nearly as interesting as 'the 18 year old nympho.'
5 worst drunken benders:
5. in 2004 i woke up in bed with a girl that i thought my friend was hooking up with. she wasn't ugly, but she insisted on making me breakfast in bed. burnt pancakes and a small cartoon of oj. i left shortly after.
4. in 2006 i woke up with my jeans on. the pockets were bursting with lottery tickets. i'd bought $90 worth of tickets. i didn't win. lesson learned. er... not.
3. in 2003 i woke up pantless in a field. i freaked the fuck out. i was still a bit gone from the tequila. i realized i was in the field right next to my apartment complex when my neighbor began yelling at me. 'hey stu! stu! what in the hell is you doin'? naked ass muthafucka!'
2. in 2007 i brought a bottle of brandy to a college party. everyone was drinking beer and hitting the garbage pail punch. i started challenging the douchier looking guys to shot-for-shot contests. the general response was, 'hell yeah, brah! whatcha got there?' things commenced only after i was teased mercilessly for being snooty. for brandy! hennessy is brandy! never mind the fact that it was 7$ brandy. i woke up hours later naked on the floor under the beer pong table with three only moderately attractive coeds. i'd fucked them all. without protection. i made several trips to the local clinic. am std free.
1. in 2009 i woke up in a drunk tank after doing a series of dumpster readings. i was apparently so wasted when the cops found me that i was pissing on my own shoes and singing 'de colores.'
actually that was pretty cool.
18.8.09
Stuart González gives me the Q&A treatment.
Name and number?
Me: Patrick Patterson-Carroll. And man, I will not have sex with you.
That makes me kind of sad. You work?
Me: In so many words, yes. I have a job.
And what do they make you do?
Me: I have an official title. Theater Technician. It means that when my boss is too busy, I run the theater. Sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's just babysitting. I get plenty of time to write. Just not a whole lot of money to piss away on drink and dame.
I just yawned.
Me: Big enough so my dick got's ta fit!
¡Ay papi chulo! Why do you write?
Me: Because I ain't so pretty.
For the record, I find you pretty fuckable.
Me: Thanks, man.
Read any good books lately?
Me: "Nights of Paris" by Restif de la Bretonne. I read half of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and that is one of my favorites.
You must be one of those who finds Wilde quite witty.
Me: Sure.
Why?
Me: I don't know. I read his shit, and it's like, it seems very tame by today's standards, but he was really going against the grain in a lot of subtle ways. I mean, he wasn't freaky like de Sade, but his wit contrasts greatly with the prevailing attitudes.
I disagree.
Me: Of course.
You must be shocked, being that you're the contrarian. But I think Wilde was a self-loathing homosexual who hated women, and used his wit as a way to mask those latent sensibilities. Well, he couldn't hide his hatred of women.
Me: I disagree with some of that.
Fuck you. Still into Asia Argento?
Me: Of course. She's perfect in every way. Ever seen "Scarlet Diva"? Which reminds me, when I take my laptop back to Conn's for a repair, I need to remove the nude photo of her from the log-in screen.
LOL. Worst sexual experience?
Me: I'm going to say the worst was an experience that didn't lead to actual penetration. In fact, it didn't lead to anything other than making out in an SUV.
So Strange and I went out to Cedar Springs to hit some clubs, get drunk, and maybe meet some girls. We were winding down the night and met a couple of girls outside. I got the "pretty one," though being drunk, who fuckin' knows? So this girl and I, we were trading affections. Kissing. Licking each other's ears and shit. So anyway, we get into the backseat of her SUV, and Strange is caressing the "ugly one" or something. I don't know. To be honest, I didn't want to look at it.
The girl tells me that messing with her nipples is pointless because they aren't sensitive. In fact, she was kind of bossy for a desperate woman. I wasn't kissing hard enough. I wasn't being "aggressive enough" for her liking.
Long story short, we end up at this Chinese Restaurant on Lower Greenville. Strange starts talking politicks, and it spirals into some brainless bullshit about how she (the girl I was making out with) thinks GW is awesome and that the war is righteous and that we're a bunch of liberal pussies, etc. My penis got pretty soft at that point.
You don't think Republican girls are hot in the sack?
Me: I don't know if I've ever been involved with one. But I don't care about a woman's political affiliation. As long as I don't have to hear about how horrible I am for being who I am.
You're a despicable human being.
Me: Now who's editorializing?
I think conservative chicks fuck the best.
Me: No one asked you.
Favorite movie?
Me: "How Tasty Was My Little Frenchman"
Now you're just being purposefully obscure.
Me: I had a French roommate. He was very amused by my smoking habits and my sexual proclivities. He'd ask me about "ze black girlz" and if I "liked zem" "to... fuck zem." My answer, of course, was "I've never been there, but I'd like to go there." And I did eventually. I guess the cool thing about him was that we "got" each other. He thought my description of "the ripple" was beyond amusing.
"The Ripple"??
Me: It's not important.
I don't believe you can speak Portuguese.
Me: I can't. I can read it and kind of write it. I just started, man.
Why Portuguese?
Me: Because Spanish is only impressive to people because I'm a gabacho. And besides, girls just laugh when I use the clicking consonants thing. You'd think they'd be like, "Whoa, hey! That's neato! Khoisan languages!" But no. It's just a laugh followed by, "Got something stuck to the roof of your mouth?"
You cunning linguist, you.
Me: Now I remember why I always wanted to choke you.
Hell is other people.
Me: Indeed.
Top five records?
Me: We Are the Romans-- Botch, The Tyranny of Distance-- Ted Leo + Pharmacists, Kamaal the Abstract-- Q-Tip, Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star, Calculating Infinity-- The Dillinger Escape Plan
Who's the better writer, me or you?
Me: A better question is whose sister is more attractive. Hint: I don't have a sister.
I notice this blog doesn't get a lot of comments, and one person said you were a pussy drinker.
Me: I notice you make a lot of dumb ass observations.
I hope Adam Strange is cooler than you.
Me: He is. And is more punk.
So what's England like?
Me: Cold. Stark. All the pretty girls are foreign.
Man, you really got comment checked by a girl? About booze? I thought you were the big drinker?
Me: I kind of liked that. There's something about a woman who calls you out, but doesn't make you look stupid. Besides, you don't even like Everclear in your Four Horsemen.
I don't boast, either. Okay, words to live by?
Me: Double. Down.
This has been an illuminating conversation.
Me: Fucking liar.
Patrick is a 25 year old writer who is working on a "novel." He edits this blog and laughs at his own genius. Women want him, men want to be him. At least that's the fantasy world he resides in when not existing within the boundaries of reality.
Me: Patrick Patterson-Carroll. And man, I will not have sex with you.
That makes me kind of sad. You work?
Me: In so many words, yes. I have a job.
And what do they make you do?
Me: I have an official title. Theater Technician. It means that when my boss is too busy, I run the theater. Sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's just babysitting. I get plenty of time to write. Just not a whole lot of money to piss away on drink and dame.
I just yawned.
Me: Big enough so my dick got's ta fit!
¡Ay papi chulo! Why do you write?
Me: Because I ain't so pretty.
For the record, I find you pretty fuckable.
Me: Thanks, man.
Read any good books lately?
Me: "Nights of Paris" by Restif de la Bretonne. I read half of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and that is one of my favorites.
You must be one of those who finds Wilde quite witty.
Me: Sure.
Why?
Me: I don't know. I read his shit, and it's like, it seems very tame by today's standards, but he was really going against the grain in a lot of subtle ways. I mean, he wasn't freaky like de Sade, but his wit contrasts greatly with the prevailing attitudes.
I disagree.
Me: Of course.
You must be shocked, being that you're the contrarian. But I think Wilde was a self-loathing homosexual who hated women, and used his wit as a way to mask those latent sensibilities. Well, he couldn't hide his hatred of women.
Me: I disagree with some of that.
Fuck you. Still into Asia Argento?
Me: Of course. She's perfect in every way. Ever seen "Scarlet Diva"? Which reminds me, when I take my laptop back to Conn's for a repair, I need to remove the nude photo of her from the log-in screen.
LOL. Worst sexual experience?
Me: I'm going to say the worst was an experience that didn't lead to actual penetration. In fact, it didn't lead to anything other than making out in an SUV.
So Strange and I went out to Cedar Springs to hit some clubs, get drunk, and maybe meet some girls. We were winding down the night and met a couple of girls outside. I got the "pretty one," though being drunk, who fuckin' knows? So this girl and I, we were trading affections. Kissing. Licking each other's ears and shit. So anyway, we get into the backseat of her SUV, and Strange is caressing the "ugly one" or something. I don't know. To be honest, I didn't want to look at it.
The girl tells me that messing with her nipples is pointless because they aren't sensitive. In fact, she was kind of bossy for a desperate woman. I wasn't kissing hard enough. I wasn't being "aggressive enough" for her liking.
Long story short, we end up at this Chinese Restaurant on Lower Greenville. Strange starts talking politicks, and it spirals into some brainless bullshit about how she (the girl I was making out with) thinks GW is awesome and that the war is righteous and that we're a bunch of liberal pussies, etc. My penis got pretty soft at that point.
You don't think Republican girls are hot in the sack?
Me: I don't know if I've ever been involved with one. But I don't care about a woman's political affiliation. As long as I don't have to hear about how horrible I am for being who I am.
You're a despicable human being.
Me: Now who's editorializing?
I think conservative chicks fuck the best.
Me: No one asked you.
Favorite movie?
Me: "How Tasty Was My Little Frenchman"
Now you're just being purposefully obscure.
Me: I had a French roommate. He was very amused by my smoking habits and my sexual proclivities. He'd ask me about "ze black girlz" and if I "liked zem" "to... fuck zem." My answer, of course, was "I've never been there, but I'd like to go there." And I did eventually. I guess the cool thing about him was that we "got" each other. He thought my description of "the ripple" was beyond amusing.
"The Ripple"??
Me: It's not important.
I don't believe you can speak Portuguese.
Me: I can't. I can read it and kind of write it. I just started, man.
Why Portuguese?
Me: Because Spanish is only impressive to people because I'm a gabacho. And besides, girls just laugh when I use the clicking consonants thing. You'd think they'd be like, "Whoa, hey! That's neato! Khoisan languages!" But no. It's just a laugh followed by, "Got something stuck to the roof of your mouth?"
You cunning linguist, you.
Me: Now I remember why I always wanted to choke you.
Hell is other people.
Me: Indeed.
Top five records?
Me: We Are the Romans-- Botch, The Tyranny of Distance-- Ted Leo + Pharmacists, Kamaal the Abstract-- Q-Tip, Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star, Calculating Infinity-- The Dillinger Escape Plan
Who's the better writer, me or you?
Me: A better question is whose sister is more attractive. Hint: I don't have a sister.
I notice this blog doesn't get a lot of comments, and one person said you were a pussy drinker.
Me: I notice you make a lot of dumb ass observations.
I hope Adam Strange is cooler than you.
Me: He is. And is more punk.
So what's England like?
Me: Cold. Stark. All the pretty girls are foreign.
Man, you really got comment checked by a girl? About booze? I thought you were the big drinker?
Me: I kind of liked that. There's something about a woman who calls you out, but doesn't make you look stupid. Besides, you don't even like Everclear in your Four Horsemen.
I don't boast, either. Okay, words to live by?
Me: Double. Down.
This has been an illuminating conversation.
Me: Fucking liar.
Patrick is a 25 year old writer who is working on a "novel." He edits this blog and laughs at his own genius. Women want him, men want to be him. At least that's the fantasy world he resides in when not existing within the boundaries of reality.
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