Hi, Stu here.
Look, I would say that no one likes to be the one person in the room who gleefully sprays diarrhea all over everyone's parade of lists, but if I did say that, I'd be lying. I love it. If anyone believed that I would pass this opportunity on to Patrick so he could write about how much he dislikes the 'cult of Tao Lin', then you are a bigger glutton for punishment than even myself. Congratulations.
Now, as much as I would love to write about my favorite 00's sitcoms, the holidays always put me in a bad mood. Of course, I'd be in a much better mood if my favorite hooker hadn't become a born-again Christian.
5 worst sitcoms of the 00's:
5. Glee -- not technically a sitcom, but it's on the list because fuck everyone.
4. American Dad -- it's a cartoon, but it sucks. best way to get rid of a talking goldfish? fucking starve it.
3. Scrubs -- i think zach braff is talentless. someone somewhere compared him to john ritter, which i think should be punishable by being made to be the only sober person in a room full of drunken assholes.
2. Everybody Hates Chris -- i don't think chris rock has been funny since his SNL days. in fact, he's obnoxious. best way to get rid of chris rock? stop encouraging him.
1. According to Jim -- this is here only because king of queens began in '98.
5 worst news personalities (decade/contemporary):
5. Tim Ryan (kdfw fox4 news anchor): old, fat, white, whiny motherfucker who has more cash than brain cells. considers himself a curmudgeon, but just how thin is the line between curmudgeon and privileged dumb shit who basically reads teleprompters all day?
4. Keith Olbermann (nbc cable liberal version of Bill O'Reilly): smug, loud, and obnoxious. it's not that i hate him, i just don't particularly like him.
3. All those ultra conservative chicks on FOXNEWS: ugly, dumb, obnoxious, interchangeable vessels of neocon lust, these bitches know less about politics than i do about being a twelve-year-old thai transvestite prostitute.
2. Bill O'Reilly: this man needs no introduction. http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/653/a-bold-fresh-piece-of-humanity/ took the words right out of my mouth.
1. Glenn Beck (foxnews?): this man is a fucking titty baby. it's amazing: if a liberal cries or shows emotion, he/she is either crazy, a whiner, or worse, but a conservative does it, and it's passion? it's okay? no, it's not. a titty baby is a titty baby, and this guy is crazy to boot. i see him, and i'm thinking: this guy screams homosexual. but not the kind that buys you drinks in a bar because he wants to get to know you, no... one that bottles up his sexuality and hides in a closet, bashing the ones who accept who they are no matter the cost.
5 worst movies of the decade:
5. (500) days of summer -- i hate musicals. next.
4. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind -- i guess kaufman thought it'd be more clever to have this whole mind erasing shit... instead of having his characters respond normally; you know, like... going out and getting blitzed, fucking everything in sight. perhaps it is, but it's not as fun. fuck this movie.
3. jesus camp -- think of the children, my ass.
2. oh brother, where art thou? -- it's not the big lebowski, therefore it blows.
1. the 40 year old virgin -- not nearly as interesting as 'the 18 year old nympho.'
5 worst drunken benders:
5. in 2004 i woke up in bed with a girl that i thought my friend was hooking up with. she wasn't ugly, but she insisted on making me breakfast in bed. burnt pancakes and a small cartoon of oj. i left shortly after.
4. in 2006 i woke up with my jeans on. the pockets were bursting with lottery tickets. i'd bought $90 worth of tickets. i didn't win. lesson learned. er... not.
3. in 2003 i woke up pantless in a field. i freaked the fuck out. i was still a bit gone from the tequila. i realized i was in the field right next to my apartment complex when my neighbor began yelling at me. 'hey stu! stu! what in the hell is you doin'? naked ass muthafucka!'
2. in 2007 i brought a bottle of brandy to a college party. everyone was drinking beer and hitting the garbage pail punch. i started challenging the douchier looking guys to shot-for-shot contests. the general response was, 'hell yeah, brah! whatcha got there?' things commenced only after i was teased mercilessly for being snooty. for brandy! hennessy is brandy! never mind the fact that it was 7$ brandy. i woke up hours later naked on the floor under the beer pong table with three only moderately attractive coeds. i'd fucked them all. without protection. i made several trips to the local clinic. am std free.
1. in 2009 i woke up in a drunk tank after doing a series of dumpster readings. i was apparently so wasted when the cops found me that i was pissing on my own shoes and singing 'de colores.'
actually that was pretty cool.
Showing posts with label Drunk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunk. Show all posts
24.12.09
4.11.09
No Silver Lining
It was definitely broken. I could tell that as reality returned, as I emerged from the long dark tunnel of unconsciousness , eyes squinted against sunlight... or perhaps in wince.
" You really did it this time."
A voice chuckled at me. I recognized it as my friend David. What a dick.
The events of the night slowly rolled back. They were of course clouded by beer... copious in quantity and capacious in quality. I recalled snippets in visions like those plastic goggles you have as a kid; the kind you look into and hit the button to rotate the film, switching between slides of animals and shit.
Last snippet I remember is looking down at a big blue blotch, dark in the corners, light blue where a ray of light pierced through the middle, adorned by a crowd of inebriated onlookers, piqued by a potential display of bravado or idiotic carnage... Jim's pool. Had to be. Even in my most delusional nightmares I'd recognize the gaudy lawn set his parents had given him... a throwback to the last huzzah of a breed that nearly became extinct in the 80s - hippies.
I had finally done it... for years I'd told Jim that I'd jump from the roof into that damn thing. He always called me a pussy. I told him he had to set me up on a date with his sister if I jumped into the pool. He shrugged and said "fine".
"Hey man... at least you're famous now." David informed me through a sly grin. He spun in the chair next to my bed and turned the monitor of my PC towards my prostrate body.
"Great...." escaped my lips in a sigh.
My immortalization went like this: I was focused through the camera, my hands skyward in the infamous Nixon. Mumbled amused voices, camera panning out to the pool. A few cries of "DO IT!" and "NO BALLS!" and "PUSSY!!!", a brief pause in sound... in video actually... some fucker mixed in a cut of R.Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly. I made to leap, but had too much liquid courage, and not enough dexterity in me. I pushed off... but should've run... maybe. My feet flailed as if pedalling an invisible bike... I fall short of the water by a foot and smash to the ground like flesh without a skeleton... Attempt to stand... vomit profusely, noticing the sound returning to what the camera had recorded, amplified wretching sounds as if I'm calling dinosaurs. Then I fall backwards onto a patch of cush grass that lines the pool.
The redemption... if it could be called that came when I stood up, my bare chest resembling a pizza, or some saucy italian dish, and walked inside, with David running after me. The credits rolled. "Starring Ryan as Superman", a cropped photo of my trashed midsection designating my role. "Sponsored by Dos Equis... Jose Cuervo..." "Guest Starring as Kryptonite, Gravity"
David glanced over... and I knew what he was thinking... Shit, I was thinking it too. "Don't even say it."
He started laughing, he'd say it anyway... who am I kidding? I would've too. "This is the same shit we regularly view on the net and laugh at until we're hoarse." His smile didn't move from his face, and one even started creeping across mine. "Plus side..." He displayed, scrolling the screen down "19604 views in the first 16 hours"... the dick.
I placed my estimated time of departure at... hmmm... 0300, with arrival at 0301... which made it 1900 or so now... the booze out of my system, my skull feeling much too small for my brain, and my ankle entirely too big to fit into any of my shoes... at least only one of these things was irregular for a Tuesday morning.
"Well at least I get to take Jim's sister out." I smirk, looking desperately for the silver lining to the looming cloud of medical bills and humiliation.
"Jim says its a no go bro." David stated, dropping his eyebrows and sucking air through his teeth.
"The fuck?!" I bark clenching fists and sitting up, immediately wishing I hadn't, as white hot pain played a game of hyperspeed Pong between my shattered foot and hungover brain.
"Dude... You didn't make it into the pool. He says the deal was for you to jump from the roof into the pool. Hell, he said if you'd fallen forwards instead, making it into the pool he'd've even paid for the night after seeing the angle of your foot on impact."
"Balls."
-Matthew Royall
" You really did it this time."
A voice chuckled at me. I recognized it as my friend David. What a dick.
The events of the night slowly rolled back. They were of course clouded by beer... copious in quantity and capacious in quality. I recalled snippets in visions like those plastic goggles you have as a kid; the kind you look into and hit the button to rotate the film, switching between slides of animals and shit.
Last snippet I remember is looking down at a big blue blotch, dark in the corners, light blue where a ray of light pierced through the middle, adorned by a crowd of inebriated onlookers, piqued by a potential display of bravado or idiotic carnage... Jim's pool. Had to be. Even in my most delusional nightmares I'd recognize the gaudy lawn set his parents had given him... a throwback to the last huzzah of a breed that nearly became extinct in the 80s - hippies.
I had finally done it... for years I'd told Jim that I'd jump from the roof into that damn thing. He always called me a pussy. I told him he had to set me up on a date with his sister if I jumped into the pool. He shrugged and said "fine".
"Hey man... at least you're famous now." David informed me through a sly grin. He spun in the chair next to my bed and turned the monitor of my PC towards my prostrate body.
"Great...." escaped my lips in a sigh.
My immortalization went like this: I was focused through the camera, my hands skyward in the infamous Nixon. Mumbled amused voices, camera panning out to the pool. A few cries of "DO IT!" and "NO BALLS!" and "PUSSY!!!", a brief pause in sound... in video actually... some fucker mixed in a cut of R.Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly. I made to leap, but had too much liquid courage, and not enough dexterity in me. I pushed off... but should've run... maybe. My feet flailed as if pedalling an invisible bike... I fall short of the water by a foot and smash to the ground like flesh without a skeleton... Attempt to stand... vomit profusely, noticing the sound returning to what the camera had recorded, amplified wretching sounds as if I'm calling dinosaurs. Then I fall backwards onto a patch of cush grass that lines the pool.
The redemption... if it could be called that came when I stood up, my bare chest resembling a pizza, or some saucy italian dish, and walked inside, with David running after me. The credits rolled. "Starring Ryan as Superman", a cropped photo of my trashed midsection designating my role. "Sponsored by Dos Equis... Jose Cuervo..." "Guest Starring as Kryptonite, Gravity"
David glanced over... and I knew what he was thinking... Shit, I was thinking it too. "Don't even say it."
He started laughing, he'd say it anyway... who am I kidding? I would've too. "This is the same shit we regularly view on the net and laugh at until we're hoarse." His smile didn't move from his face, and one even started creeping across mine. "Plus side..." He displayed, scrolling the screen down "19604 views in the first 16 hours"... the dick.
I placed my estimated time of departure at... hmmm... 0300, with arrival at 0301... which made it 1900 or so now... the booze out of my system, my skull feeling much too small for my brain, and my ankle entirely too big to fit into any of my shoes... at least only one of these things was irregular for a Tuesday morning.
"Well at least I get to take Jim's sister out." I smirk, looking desperately for the silver lining to the looming cloud of medical bills and humiliation.
"Jim says its a no go bro." David stated, dropping his eyebrows and sucking air through his teeth.
"The fuck?!" I bark clenching fists and sitting up, immediately wishing I hadn't, as white hot pain played a game of hyperspeed Pong between my shattered foot and hungover brain.
"Dude... You didn't make it into the pool. He says the deal was for you to jump from the roof into the pool. Hell, he said if you'd fallen forwards instead, making it into the pool he'd've even paid for the night after seeing the angle of your foot on impact."
"Balls."
-Matthew Royall
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