Stuart González: Poems and Lies

"No Puedo Tocar La Guitarra"

My love, I cannot play the guitar.
I cannot sing you a beautiful song.
Painful admission, though it is, tristeza ilimitado
So ask the dirty hippie busker,
who gigs in the street,
he knows all the timeless tunes,
from "California Girls" to
"Canned Heat." The song by
Jamiroquai, not the band
from Canada.

"Latin Lovers"

Quid pro quo.
This for that.
Veni, vidi, vici.
I came and did some other stuff.
Victori Spolia.
I won, and now I take some shit.

"Having Sex with Myself"

Just another Saturday night.
Blogging.
Bored.
Boxers down around my ankles.
So I jerk off to those singles ads on myspace.
That one girl has a mondo rack.
Oh baby.

"Skipping Church"

They say the bible is good literature, but I disagree,
it's pretty fucking boring, especially for me.
I don't like the stories, I don't endorse what they
suggest,
I'd rather jerk off or have sex with hookers,
than be "put to the test."

If god is so powerful and all knowing,
he should smite me for all the fun I'm
sowing.

So this Sunday I'm skipping church,
I don't care what mom says,
al infierno contigo
and that's where I'll go.

"To that girl I accidentally felt up"

Was it good for you?
It was good for me.

"Hope Springs Eternal, Jenny Lane"

Jenny Lane was my girlfriend. She had blonde hair and lots of tattoos. We dated for two years. 2004 and 2005. About 731 days. Things were okay. Nothing special really happened. Our sex-life was largely disappointing. At least to me. Maybe she enjoyed it, but she never said so one way or the other. All she would do during intercourse is moan in monotone with occasional squeaks. It was weird. She even put her finger in my ass a couple times.

One day she walked in on me jerking off to Asian porn. I thought she was gonna be mad, but she just smiled. I think she chuckled a little, too. I can't remember. Anyway, a few days passed and we were sitting on the porch drinking wine. Innocent stuff. Out of nowhere she says, "so you like Asians now?"

"I've always liked Asians," I said.

"Really?" she asked.

"No doubt."

We said nothing else that night. The next morning she woke me up with a handjob. It was nice but all I could think about was that Asian chick with the braces that I was wanking it to days before. After an hour and no cum, Jenny gave up. I wanted to laugh, but she was pretty upset.

She started smoking again. Being that I'm a militant non-smoker, I'd always felt proud that the power of my cock (my story and I'm sticking to it, god damn it) got an equally militant chain-smoker to quit. This lapse bugged me, so I approached her about it and she tore into me. Literally. We were rolling on the floor. She laid her dainty fists into my face without mercy.

Hijole mama!

When she got off me, she lit another cig and glared at me. All I could say while nursing a soon to be blackened eye was, "What the fuck, Jenny?" Over and over again.

We broke up the next day. She said that she was going to fuck the next guy she meets who isn't all tied up in an Asian chick fetish. My parting words to her were,

"Hope springs eternal, Jenny Lane."

All writings by Stuart González.

Stuart González is a self-published writer who currently lives with his family in Dallas. He has a degree in Literature from Rice University which he has done nothing with. He is unmarried, unemployed, and currently working on a collection of poetry.

Q&A with writer Stuart González

Hello, my name is...

Stuart González.

Age?

SG: Chasing after 30 like it's a large breasted cougar in a low-lit bar.

Employed or Unemployed?

SG: I write. What do you think?

Good point. Unemployed. Okay. So, for the edification of our female readers (haha), single or taken?

SG: Definitely taken. Taken with ideas. Bad ones. Ones that wear ripped stockings and such...

So, what did you write?

SG: What didn't I write? In college I wrote essays about Lydia Lunch, Philip Roth, George S. Schuyler, Jonathan Borofsky, Albert Camus, and myself. I wrote lots of book reports in high school. I have a myspace, a fb, a lj, and at one point I had a black planet account. I like bootay.

But what did you write that people know you for?

SG: I ghost wrote everything by Stephanie Meyer.

I just puked in my mouth a little.

SG: Don't editorialize.

Seriously...

SG: Okay, I wrote a self-published novel with an egregious, ridiculous title: ¡El amor existe solamente para matarme! or Love and Me Have No Business Doing Business and I couldn't even give it away.

What's it about?

SG: It's not about love. I don't know. It might not even exist.

But what would it be about if it did?

SG: Good question. I think it would be about a guy kind of like Charlie Sheen's character in Two and a Half Men, you know? A guy who has no real job, but lives la vida extravagante because of kickbacks from some shitty kid's book he wrote years back (instead of jingle writer). Except, instead of being a drunken womanizer, he'd be a chain-smoking, cocktail drinking homosexual with style. I fucking hate those bowling shirts Sheen wears. Talk about puking in your mouth.

Isn't that part about being a homo and having style redundant?

SG: Don't be ignorant.

Right. Is that it?

SG: I guess.

Speaking of cocktails, what's your favorite?

SG: Four Horsemen. Jim, Jack, Johnnie, and Jameson or Jose.

...And Hell follows...

SG: Fuck that. I'm trying to get drunk, not die.

Fair enough. So are you reading anything worth mentioning these days?

SG: Just finished the Twilight series. Good shit. Bella is my heroine. If she were real I wouldn't fuck her and leave... I'd marry her.

...

SG: ...

Isn't she jailbait?

SG: Dude. It's fiction.

Right. If I open a pack of cigarettes and you take one, how many do I have left?

SG: Trick question. I don't smoke, and you're gonna get cancer, dude.

If you could say one thing to any person, living or dead, what would you say, and who would you say it to?

SG: "Are your tits as soft as they look?" -- to Eva Angelina

Best movie you've seen recently?

SG: "Paris, I Love You" was interesting. Nick Nolte is almost as godly as Gary Busey. Sometimes I mix them up, but they're both in my top 20.

Best music to make love to?

SG: Nothing. Music is overrated. The only thing I want to hear is my girl moaning or screaming or sighing in disappointment.

Really? So... you don't like a soundtrack with your casual sex?

SG: Music is best when I'm doing nothing. Ever stared at a white wall while listening to Division of Laura Lee? Or laid in bed and counted the oscillations of the ceiling fan with Morris Day and the Time funking out from the shitty speakers of your boombox?

Can't say I have.

SG: It's funny how people put so much stock in music and assign it such grandiose meaning. It's not that great. Just a bunch of notes and words and shit. And musicians are bigger assholes than athletes and writers. Actors are the biggest assholes. But at least they don't try to sing... most of them, anyway.

So no top fives?

SG: My top five records are: 5. Temple of Low Men-- Crowded House, 4. Ice Cream Castle-- The Time (with Morris Day), 3. Revolver-- The Beatles, 2. London Calling-- The Clash, 1. To The Extreme-- Vanilla Ice

So what's pissing you off right now?

SG: Being poor.

How do you feel about Sotomayor?

SG: She looks like my mom. So I kinda get pissed. But I think it's cool that she's an intelligent latina inspiring hope for the younger latinas. Ever heard of the reconquista? Slowly but surely, man. Slowly but surely.

Hahaha! So, are you working on anything you want to talk about? Hint: time to pimp yo shit.

SG: I'm writing a screenplay right now. It's about a guy who spends his entire day at a bar jabbering-- to anyone who will listen-- about his disjoint philosophies on everything from life and women to politics and cars. It's called, The Barstool Conversationalist. I'll be publishing a collection of poems soon. All of them are in Spanglish and dedicated to my mother.

And finally, I wrote a section of your short story. So technically, it is mine as well.

Thank you.

Stuart González is the author of "¡El amor existe solamente para matarme or Love and Me Have No Business Doing Business". He likes porn and drinking and eating. He lives in Dallas.