Unsolicited Criticisms

Unsolicited Criticisms

Hi, I’m Adam Strange and I’ll be your guide today.

Meet Dallas, the shimmering city on the prairie.

This richly diverse city offers leading arts districts (that only the pretentious go to), countless luxury accommodations that (no one can actually afford), professional sports teams (that are overpaid and have no heart) and trendy entertainment districts (where can have your choice of being stabbed by a bum or beaten by a skinhead)

Fact: Dallas is actually an acronym for D list LA.

Feel free to visit our many exciting neighborhoods each with their own special brand of entertainment. Such as…

Deep Ellum. Ya, there’s been nothing there since the Deep Ellum Foundation forced the city into driving out all the businesses to lower the selling price. But this place is all about the memories (and getting stabbed by bums or skinheads.)

Fact: Dallas leads in the nation in pre-op transgender prostitutes.

And as long as you’re in our wonderful city, don’t forget to check out…

The Bishop Arts District. Once the meeting place for homosexuals in the charming community known as Oak Cliff through out the 90’s, it has re-imagined itself as a posh arty neighborhood where you can enjoy a wonderful dinner and night out only blocks away the murder capital of Dallas.

Fact: Dallas’s own Lew Sterrett affectingly known as "LuLu” has received national attention as the safest county jail in the nation.

I hope you’re not tired because while here you can’t forget…

Lower Greenville. Located at the corner of Greenville and Ross, this tiny neighborhood sees more action in one night than every other neighborhood sees in a month. Whether it’s grumpy old men looking for a little statis in their old age (do I even have to say the asshole’s name) or the surprising number of white supremacists currently calling Billard Bar home, you are sure to have an action packed night. Remember just because he/she was cute at Taco Cabana doesn’t mean he/she will be cute when you wake up.

Fact: In 2007 Dallas was the first major city to elect a man with no penis.

And please while you’re here try also to make time for…

Knox/Henderson, Uptown and West Village. No reason to pick which one since they're all the same. If you have khaki’s and a polo shirt you can have your pick of any one of the beautiful Barbie-esque future trophy wives. Remember it’s only prostitution if you pay in cash.

Fact: There isn’t a single black city council member who hasn’t or currently in the process of selling out the black community.

For those of you, who are into more forbidden pleasures, don’t forget to check out…

Cedar Springs. Dallas’s long time gay district has been partying non-stop since the 70’s. Thank the cocaine. Here you can enjoy getting screwed in the bathroom AND on your tab. Don’t forget to enjoy the many pleasures of this thriving community. Like the Maple Projects, where you can buy crack off an authentic drag queen. And only here can you experience an authentic Texas Fag-Bashing; don’t forget your insurance card.

Well, that’s enough for one session. Please check out these wonderful destinations and remember the Dallas city motto.



“LIVE LARGE! THINK BIG!”



Ya, we don’t know what it means either.